Echoes of an advocate #1

Hello guys and welcome back!

Yup it's me haha.. I'm alive again. Well it's summer now and exams are done so I've got no excuse not to post every week! 

Having thought long and hard about this, I've decide to start a segment separated from my normal blog. It won't be anything long but it's my way of trying to keep a journal. I'm really bad at keeping journals so at the end of everyday, or during the day, I'll write down the things i thought about. I know that I'll be exposing myself but as an aspiring writer, it's something I need to learn sooner than later. So I'll post them whenever I'm not finished with a blogpost for an upcoming week.

If you love reading about other people's lives and are interested in what they think about daily, then stay tuned :) Or if you just wanna read something very random and definitely very long then stay tuned :)

I'm sure you all know about friendships because they are a fundamental part of life. I'll make a blog mostly focused on the idea of friendships and all that as part of my normal blog. But this segment/series is just to rant and share my opinions :) I need to let loose and channel my energy elsewhere, and writing it down is the best therapy for me. I've decided to share it, because after all this is a blog about what teenage me thinks about. And perhaps gain advice and opinions from other people by publishing these. Also everything is authentic - I didn't change anything to make myself or situation better. Everything is exactly the way it was written on the day :)

So now the rant shall begin.

Tuesday

As y'all know, friends come and go all the time. But have you ever been in a friendship that you feel stuck in? Well.. that's my situation. It's not in a sense classified as a stereotypical "toxic" friendship but I believe that toxicity in a friendship is subjective. It's subjective in that, friends should support your dreams and be there for you at all times; they should also respect your privacy and not be nosy but also understand you when you say that, rather than forming judgements or conclusions. So if you have friends who have different principles, have a character that doesn't match your 'preference' and always fail to support or understand you in certain situations then it makes sense to call it a toxic friendship. I feel like I'm currently in one of those. They have different characters and their actions contradicts the 'qualifications' I look for in a potential friend. I don't believe in just having friends for the sake of it and I definitely don't believe in having large groups of friends. Well... here's the other problem. I know that some people classify friendships into stages, so there's friends, close friends, best friends etc..

To me, I can call you a friend if I've spent a considerable amount of time with you and I'm always around you. But I won't consider you a close or best friend unless you pass what I deem to be my ideal type of close or best friend.  So it's easy to earn the 'qualification' of being a friend because nowadays people use the word interchangeably and carelessly. Nowadays, a lot of people consider people they talk to as their friends. I've tried to pull away from using the word carelessly and it's easy to lose any of those 'qualifications'.

I call them 'qualifications' because in order for a friendship to work, commitment is needed from both parties. One person can't put in all the work to sustaining that friendship. So I can consider you when I can see the willingness to commit and not just let me be like any of the people you talk to. Hence, I tend to make friends with smaller groups of people or people that are alone because it'll be hard to cope with a large group which tends to be the group of people that are considered "popular" (that's a really stupid word in my opinion and there should be no such thing. People shouldn't be classified. School isn't a war zone or a some competitive job in which ranking is necessary). Anyone can argue and say that everyone in their large group of friends is their best friend but I say no to that. Only one person can be a best friend - someone who you text first, tell things first, talk to when you're down, run to when anything happens. I can assure you that you won't run into the arms of a 1000 people if you one day lose everything. You won't run to your large group of friends and live in all their houses. There must be one or two people that you would run to instinctively. And in my opinion, it's easier to slowly build trust with one person than a large group of people. So "popular" or large groups of friends are a definite turn off. They don't seem welcoming enough to people who would like to be friends with them because they feel like they're above everyone else, based off of my experience and what I've seen. My large group theory of people only choosing one person is something I've seen. I've seen a large group of people who have claimed that they're all friends and so they can plan to hang out with each other. But in the end they have a somewhat 'VIP' hang out for the "special" people. This is what I mean...people that they automatically feel attached to. So definitely there are minor groups within a large group of friends. And that's natural. But being quiet and introverted, I'd rather stick to a small group for perhaps my whole life and have them as friends for a lifetime than claim to be in a large group of mediocre friendships. Honestly, like I said friendships need commitment and hard work so I highly doubt that one person can keep up with a large group of people. Believe me I've tried, but everyone has their own little world. You can't know everyone very well in a large group. I've seen people post about one best friend they have within their large group of friends, this further proves my little theory that I shared and formed in my head.

Guys, is there anything more annoying than saying the word "stop" to someone and they don't listen? Especially when it's your so-called "friends" that don't listen? People think that, if someone says "stop" to them and they're smiling or laughing then it automatically means that they like it. Well let me break it to you. I generally usually smile and laugh a lot. I would probably laugh at any situation because that's a coping mechanism - it's an initial reaction to try to perhaps lessen the burden of the news. If I get a bad grade and I laugh, then it's to stop me from thinking about it and being sad at that point in time. If you hurt me and I laugh, then that's to help you feel less burdened by the pain you've caused and also to try to trick my brain into thinking that the situation isn't as painful as it seems. So laughing or smiling and saying "stop" more than a hundred times DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. WHY WOULD I USE THE WORD STOP IF I LIKE SOMETHING!? PLEASE TELL ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC OF THAT. The action, laughing, has many different emotions behind it and everyone should know that by now. People laugh in uncanny situations, which may not make sense to you. For example, the Logan Paul incident with the dead body - ya know the viral video that was on YouTube a couple of months ago. Yea... I had no problem with the fact that he laughed, as an immediate reaction upon seeing the body, because I understand that laughing can be an impulsive response to situations. I only had a problem with how he turned that laughter into jester and went on to film the body and all that.. You know the story. 
(I'll research into and talk separately on the logic of laughing in certain situations in another post) 

Wednesday 

If you're in a closed off and secluded group of friends at school, have you ever ventured out to discover other people in your grade? Well I can assure you that you will definitely meet awesome people, people that you wish you'd been friends with them from the start of the year. You'll probably laugh so much and feel very comfortable. The best thing is when they accept you without questions and include you. People that can talk to anyone at any point in their life and make them feel happy and included are the best people. Doesn't matter if you've never talked to the person before, but making someone else happy will make you feel better. And seeing others laugh with you is the best feeling. You'll get to experience new things that you've never experienced in your closed off group like.... having a relationship with your teachers or finding new things to do at school. If you love your secluded group of friends then by all means stick with them, but I'd advice you and probably you all as a group. Go around and talk to different people and see how many people from each continent you can meet :) if you find people that you don't like well it's better that you know soon before it's too late, am I right? Yes, yes i am. Sooo yeah. My best friend even confirmed this so it's validated hehe. Because she did exactly what I described above, and she met awesome people.

And to continue the rant from Tuesday....

Thursday

As you can probably tell, I'm very skeptical about friendships and you'd probably say I'm picky. Well, I'm not picky with friends but closer than that then yes. 

Am I the only one who tests people? Like if you wanna 'promote' someone from the friend stage so you decide to secretly test them and if they fail the test, then it hurts you real bad? Well i did that a long time ago. And I can say that every single person failed except 3 people. This clearly shows who my real friends are. When I say a test, the people have no way of knowing unless you tell them but it isn't a hard test. It's perhaps something simple to test if they care about you at all. My tests (just like school projects) have deadlines, and so anyone that performs the action that I expect after the deadline, doesn't immediately get recognition or love or some crap like that. Although it may hurt when the deadline creeps up and no one as passed, then you'd feel hurt but it's a good realization. It opens your eyes to what you couldn't see before and helps you to not make rash decisions next time. And like, this may seem insensitive but do you also delete them from your heart or mind or brain or whatever? Like Yea, we should love everyone so I wouldn't completely shut them out if they reach out to me but they won't be in that special compartment that friends are in. Like I said on Tuesday, I'm trying not to use the word "friends" carelessly because we don't usually follow the dictionary definition of friends. So here when I say friends, I don't mean people that are best friends or close friends. I mean people who I started to consider as my friends or who I considered as my friends for a long time and suddenly I'm having to "delete" or should I say 'erase' them from that compartment. The memories don't obviously go away and I don't really think memories need to be erased. Even if we were friends like 3 yrs ago but now we're not, I'll still keep the fond memories and remind myself of those whenever I see you. Even if we are enemies now, I'd still not want to erase those good memories. (I don't have enemies or hate anyone by the way, I just used the word "enemies" for you to understand what I mean. That word, including the word "hate", generally isn't in my vocabulary).

It's good to have friends that you can hit up anytime and it's like nothing has changed, you pick up from where you've left off. Friends like that are really cool to hang out with.

And about that commitment thing, you also kinda need to follow through with it. So let's say your friendship is broken with someone but you try to mend it. Now the person is stubborn because they don't wanna be hurt again or regret later because after all, it's their fault for accepting you back into their life. So the person eventually breaks out of their stubbornness because they can't keep it up for long. But at this point in time, it's your duty to mend the relationship. Don't expect the person to suddenly go back to how things were before or whatever. It's up to you now to make sure things go smoothly. You can't suddenly turn away after the person has accepted your apology. You can't become harsh and go back to your old ways because that would definitely put that person off. And if that person has accepted to mend things for your sake, then it's also up to you to make sure things go smoothly. It's not only the offenders job. It's also you, because that person decided to let go of their pain for you, so you can't suddenly become mean or rude to that person otherwise that person would leave and never pay attention to you. Why? Because there's no willingness to commit and follow through in your apology.

Now some people might say, why should it just be one person's job to commit? Well lemme give you a scenario.

Let's say a new girl walks into a place and there's a crowd of people. She's very introverted and quiet so she can't approach people at first. So people begin to approach her and she just responds to their questions. Now are you expecting that girl to open up to you within 1 second? No. It will take a long time, it can even take up to 2 years so don't rush things. You need to slowly show that person who you are. And so if you hurt this girl, she will definitely close up and go far away because at this point in time, herself is her best companion. And so if you apologize, she might accept and laugh a little to show that she has but don't expect her to turn back immediately to the bubbly and talkative person she became around you. It will take some time because God knows what kinda stress she's been through. A big turn off to her would be if it's a group of people and it's only one person that makes the effort. She clearly knows that she'd be around these people for a long time, so she needs proof that they all care enough about their friendship and want her back. Meeting new people of course would be a good way for her to forget about you, so if she accepts then don't expect her to run back to you immediately. She'll need to re-channel her mind and life so that she's inclined to go to you. Because if you hate someone for example, (hate is a strong word and no one should hate but) if you strongly dislike someone then your body will develop impulses that will make you stay away from them or avoid them. So by apologising, you can't expect her impulses to suddenly retract and re-adapt. She needs time to accept, you need time to consider committment and if she still occasionally remember and walks up to you, then she's clearly willing to compromise and let you show her how you've changed.

(Also I probably should have done this before but I need to mention the meaning of friendship and friends. But I'll expand on that in my normal blogs)

I also wanna mention that just like 'friendship', there are certain words, when put into action, one person cannot perform on their own. For example, it takes two or more people to fight. You can't literally fight with yourself. It also takes two or more people to quarrel. It also takes two or more people to ignore. You can't claim that someone is ignoring you if you're not literally right in front of them, calling out to them. Because in a sense you're ignoring too by not going up to them. So you can't sit there and wait and claim that someone is ignoring you when you yourself is also sitting where you are like they are - mirroring their behaviour. So you are essentially both ignoring each other. Just like two people can't be across a room and someone would ask them why are you fighting? You can't be fighting someone else (I mean physically) if you're far away from that person just like you can't be the one doing the ignoring if you're both far away. Now, if those two people are close to each other and making physical contact or whatever... then you can say you're fighting. Just like, if you're not close to the person within hearing distance or making eye contact then you're not ignoring. Because the dictionary definition of ignoring is to 'refrain from noticing or recognising' so depending on the situation and context, both parties have to do the not 'noticing' part for it to make sense. It's all about logic here. So if you did something to someone then apologise and move on. Don't tell that person that oh you always do this to us when it's the same thing you're doing back. Like it doesn't make sense. It's just like me telling someone 'oh you're always torturing me' when the person doesn't even interact with me. If any torturing is being done then I'm the one doing it; I've psychological programmed my brain into thinking that I'm being tortured by someone, thereby making me miserable and leading me to blame someone else for my own 'downfall'. 

So you can only say you're fighting if you're under each other's nose and you can only say that someone is ignoring if you're right under their nose, straight at looking at them uncomfortably and can tell from their behaviour that they can clearly see you but instead they walk past and you can literally feel the breeze made by their movement - you must call out though, so in a way make your presence known because the person is probably reflecting your actions - acting the way you're acting - without you realising it. 

(Note: Don't fall into the trap of always blaming someone else for your own actions. It applies in this case. If you want something or want someone to stop something, make sure to act accordingly and take straight forward steps to making it happen. However, be respectful of the opposing party's decision)

Which leads on to another point... people need to stop 'beating around the bush' or dropping hints. Real life isn't a game of chess or 4 in a row where we need to calculate someone else's move and try to counteract that. We're not playing a game in life so I don't see why people need to play hide n seek to find the meaning of your hints. So like if you're testing a friendship or something like I mentioned before then do it in a simple straightforward manner. So if you're testing to see if they'll notice when you're gone, just don't show up one day but leave your social media and everything reachable. And also show up for consecutive days and talk to them so that they're aware of your exsistence because my oh my, people have a way of making you feel special one second and inexistent the next second. 

At this point in the test, you're not playing games or hinting things for sure, because you didn't just disconnect from the world and give them no way of reaching you.

So back to the point, if you feel a certain way then go ahead and tell someone, don't make them figure it out unless your actions are very clear. In that case, if you're clear then the person is just thick. And if someone asks you a direct question, rather than making you figure out their feelings, answer them directly. After you answer directly, your actions should follow through. Playing games can cause people to be mentally drained and can lead to tears. Even though you yourself don't think you're playing a game but if you suddenly notice someone's mood change and they act a certain way that is the opposite to their usual self then clearly something is wrong.... And you should probably try to find out what it is. But also you yourself shouldn't play games. Like if you really want someone to know something then tell them because actions aren't too clear sometimes. And it's nice to forget about yourself for a while and make others happy :):)

Friday

If you're gonna make others happy then don't make yourself uncomfortable. If someone is clearly being creepy then call them out, rather than listening to them because it makes them happy. Like for example, you meet someone for the first time but they use endearing terms towards you. At first you're like, oh maybe that's just how they are and are affectionate to people they meet. So you continue to be nice and put up with it. Then it turns to sexual metaphors... at this point you should be very concerned and draw a strict boundary. You've let the person pass the border for way too long for fear of making them sad, but if you're uncomfortable then listen to yourself. Even if the person may become sad. After all, you just met so what they're saying or texting is clearly inappropriate at this point in time. So go ahead with your gut feeling! The person will probably stop texting you but hey ho.. you probably saved yourself from some form of future cyber harassment.  So lesson learnt is, if you meet someone and it feels like they're crossing the line then stop them before they cross over and cause permanent damage. Your instinct will do a great job in warning you! So don't ignore it! (
Like I did for a while. It didn't get far because I told my best friend and she was like girl stop this stupidity now. Such a good pep talker)

Saturday

My thoughts: Ugh.. I gotta edit the long blog I wrote. No i won't push it. I have to do it. After all, I didn't write it for nothing. I had fun writing it so why not. I should be sleeping... oh well... here I go :)

The END.

Blogger note: If you made it this far then thank you, I love you! I hope you enjoyed the random unstructured way of writing because it is a diary entry / journal like I said before ... and i don't think diary entries are structured nicely and coherently like a novel. I hope this new segment/ episode I've created would carry on and I hope you like this first one. I'm interested in the idea of friendships so I'll post another blog in the near future that would include people's thoughts, some things people have told me, general principles that I've learnt and some research. I would also link another blog on that one where I would discuss the scientific parts to do with friendships and that would be research based rather than opinion based. 

P.S. I'm not calling anyone out, I'm just ranting and after all introverted people (like me) tend to showcase their feelings through art rather than words. My way is through the art of writing. So if you know me personally and you felt like I called you out, then I never intended to :) Otherwise, if you can relate to anything said here or rants in general then feel free to follow, comment and share down below! This series would have weekly updates so check on my social media for new links :)❤❤

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother "

Never forget that you're loved💖

- By Teenagehood Misfits💙