Me, People & Friends

*DISCLAIMER*

Before I begin, I usually adopt a tone in which I'm advising you (the readers) because it's easier for me and helps me get my tenses, pronouns and point of views correctly.

You are, of course, under no obligation to follow anything I say because everyone goes through different things. All of the "advice" I'll be giving is based on the knowledge of my experiences, so you all should take with a pinch of salt. 

My views will probably change as I get older and experience things differently.

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A lot of us tend to put too much weight and importance on things that are somewhat mediocre to other people such as friendships. Not everyone shares the same values or ideas on friendships like others do hence we tend to overthink certain things that happen. 

Let me explain with a bit of context. 

I used to do this but I eventually learnt and stopped doing it. That is, thinking people value me as much as I value them. For example, I used to be really good friends with someone for a couple of years straight. Then after a year or two we stopped talking. Now me being me, will of course remember that person as a good friend and so won't expect to be forgotten by them or hurt by them in anyway. However, thinking like that can mean that I'll forget that the person's character isn't the type to care about such things and is very capable of forgetting about me if I haven't talked to them for a while and so I get hurt over their actions.

I eventually stopped over emphasising friendships and made sure that with close people at least, lines are drawn and people know where they stand. And for those that I haven't talked to or drawn lines with, their actions won't affect me.

In order to truly think like that comes with experience and by extension maturity so it's very hard to advice someone to do that and expect them to be just as fine as you are. However, in addition to the weight experience has, is testimonies from others. If you've been hurt by the same person and someone else has shared how they've been hurt by the same person and advices you then it's safe to say that no one should regard that person to the same stage that others were hurt in until change is evident. So no one else really should be hurt by that person if more than two people have already been hurt by them because if that's the case, then that person will continue to hurt others in that way whether intentional or unintentional. 

That's the thing with "childhood friends" and/or people you've been friends with longer than 4 years. You can grow up with someone but when you're older, things may suddenly take a turn. One party may still think fondly of that person but the other person may have already forgotten. 

My advice is from a perspective of not letting yourself be hurt because I've just grown defence mechanisms such as not opening up too much and not overthinking certain situations - and if I open up, then not sharing any information about myself that is of any significance.

However if you're someone in a situation like that and you're hurt by someone else, then I'd like to tell you that you're not the first to feel that way and you're not the only one. So many others have gotten through it, and I've gotten through it despite not thinking I could at the time of the incident. Try talking it out with the person and if you don't want to then focus on other things and other people that make you happy and move on. You'll get through it no matter what. In a few months time, you probably won't even remember it happened because you probably would've already worked it out or be somewhere else with other people living your best life.

So that's what I mean by the first paragraph I opened this up with. Some people tend to think some things are very important and others may not hence actions will differ and one party will get hurt. In some cases, it's very obvious and so it can be annoying when someone gets emotional over it. For example, if I used to be best friends with someone and then stopped talking for a long time, I won't expect them to remember me in anything - whether that be in giving speeches or going out to places. Of course, one can wish but I won't be hurt either if they don't. Perhaps a little disappointed, depending on who the person is, but otherwise no. So we all need to be careful in where our emotions take us - I think that has something to do with emotional intelligence but I won't venture into that now. 

I'm now very careful not to let myself get hurt by anyone which is why I only have 2 best friends (mainly one of them) and so anything they do will definitely hurt me no matter what. Everyone else that may be a friend or acquaintance won't have as much power over my emotions as those 2 people do. Even if all those other people hurt me, I can confidently say that I will get over it as long as it's not those 2 people. And those 2 people also know that. This is why I say make sure a line is drawn so that you won't get hurt in the future. If you feel like someone is close to you, then make sure they also feel the same way about you otherwise future emotions would be one sided.

I've gone through it so many times, that it'll take a lot and a while for anyone to reach that best friends stage that those 2 people have, where my emotions are vulnerable towards them. Having said that, there is also a huge level of trust that should be there. Just like I've been advised by a good friend, I'd like to tell you guys this too - don't doubt the person whenever someone else says something. Don't stop trusting that person because someone else told you they did something but that person hasn't yet told you. First go and confirm with that person, and if it's true then talk it out. Don't blindly jump unto someone else's words against your best friend/s. You can defend them, and if that person insists then go and confirm first. This also stems from another point I'd like to make which is, don't blindly defend anyone no matter who they are. Your best friend could be in the wrong too just as much as anyone else can. So if you're told something, go and still confirm with them first rather than defending or saying things. However, if it's things to do with personality then it's safe to defend them but still remember that your best friend can still be in the wrong so be respectful when defending them. 

In addition to that, I'd say I have 4 forever friends (in a way my best friends). The thing with forever friends is, people make promises like that all throughout their lives especially at school. I stopped believing that because it's just crap but now being done with school, I'd say whoever is left and I consider close is a forever friend. I don't like having a lot of friends, not anymore at least, because that comes with a lot of emotional baggage. It's too tiring for me, as an introvert, to keep up. The thing with forever friends is, years of being together matters. I'd say only consider it when you're done with a stage of your life such as school. I'd say my forever friends are also my best friends. Amongst that 4, I've known one for 6 years, then another 5 years, then another 4 years and another 3 years. Some people might say that I can't think of that even now until after Uni, but I can kinda trust my judgement now because these are friends that have stuck despite moving places and transitioning through things. You have friends that only stick around when you're in the same school for example or live next door but after you move, they stop communicating. I'd say those are seasonal friendships but can be long too. I can possibly think of other people that may eventually be forever friends, but there's nothing tying us together so I can't be sure. With my first 3 longest forever friends, we have plans of going to places together. I wouldn't call it a childish thing because it's been an ongoing plan for years and now that we're nearing a stage where we can start working and saving, it's a solid plan. So in this case, there's a commitment/ something tying us together. We have a future goal to achieve.

You always hear people say that you should have friends that encourage you and lift you up but not just that. They should also be people you have goals and future achievements with, and would keep you accountable and call you out when necessary.

To all those out there, I'm sure you've had friendship problems and have gone through friendship obstacles. As good friends have always advised me, communication is always key. You will find yourselves in situations where the person refuses to communicate and move on but instead insists in throwing faults at you and slandering you with no intention to forgive and move on. In those situations, I'd say to forget them. Don't waste your time trying to salvage something with someone that is uncooperative. I'd say ignore, delete, block, whatever it is you have to do, and just forget about them and move on. However, if the person and/or people are willing to communicate then talk it out. Say how you feel and allow them to say how they feel and listen to them. Try to understand them as well. You will also find yourself in situations where the person refuses to listen to you. I'd also say ignore them in those situations. Don't bother wasting your time with people like that - it's a waste of your emotional investment. 

If it's a best friend or someone you truly care about, and they're not willing to listen then I'd say bid them farewell and move on. Allow heartbreak and tears but try to do things that make you happy. I'm not quite sure of other ways because when I found myself in that situation, I just focused my mind on other things and tried to ignore the hurt. Whenever it came, I tried to replace it with happy things and moved on. That can be harmful to people depending on how much you're able to take in and withstand. Thankfully, I had so much things going on that it wasn't hard to get over it. 

In both situations, some may say to find someone else that the person trusts and listens to so that they can hear your voice. This might be a good idea in some cases, however it can be manipulative so just be careful not to manipulate the person into believing you. People are meant to be in different seasons of our lives so it may just be that it's time for the person to leave your life.

Communication is always important. You should communicate your thoughts and not wrestle with them at the expense of someone else whether emotionally or physically depending on your situation. Don't toy with people.

Here is advice from a good friend:

"Keep in mind that on other (if not most) occasions, if friendships are not in a good state, your friend is not the only one who made faults. Relationships are a two way relationship, and chances are you might have done something (or lack thereof) as much as you think the other person did to you. So be honest to yourself about your mistakes, and then be honest to your friend. If you need to apologize or clear things up, do so. Just make sure to find a place and time where you both can have an open mind to talk things out. Your friend is not the only one who should learn lessons. You should learn from yours, too. If you find what your fault is before your friend, you already have an advantage. That is because if you chose to be the better person, the person that doesn't let your own mistake or your friend's mistakes bring you down from being the best person you should be, then you will be more open-minded, understanding, and forgiving. Because in the end, forgiving is not mainly just for the person needs forgiveness, it's also for the person who forgives. Lest you be bitter and stuck in the same mindsets for the rest of your life.

Also, if bringing another friend to be a mediator helps with the reconciliation, then do so. But in my opinion, the best is to talk things through alone because if there is someone else there, that extra friend might favor one friend over the other and side with them (regardless of whether who they're siding with is wrong or not) and that will just frustrate the other party. So if you're planning to include a friend to help reconcile with another, just make sure that mediator is wise enough to take no sides and listen to both of your arguments fairly, and then make judgement of what is really happening between you two (if ever the both of you can't do that yourselves). If worst case scenario arises, get a relationships psychiatrist."

Since I'm just covering friendships in general and not being specific right now, I'd like to address something else that a friend asked me.

So a friend asked me how to end a friendship with someone they no longer want to be friends with. Like I said earlier, I told the person to tell them or ignore them until time passes and it's forgotten. Then the friend told me that it's someone they'll continue to see in real life.

That is a hard one. I will of course say, talk to them. Communicate that you no longer want to be friends and if they keep pushing then just ignore them, at least then you've already told them you no longer want to be friends so it's not like they can accuse you of anything. You've told them and if they want to speak lies against you then let them be, it's not your problem to deal with. 

I'm aware that some people find it hard to do because that person may be in a friend group and you're all friends. And so you all will continue to see each other. If it was online, then I'd say leave the group and delete contacts and such because that's what I'd do.

However, that is a different case. So I'll ask the same good friend what you can do (if you're reading this).

Here is what the person said:

"I don't know what situation that person is in, but the best way to go about it nicely is to just refuse the ex-to-be-friend nicely. Don't say you don't want to be friends anymore, especially if the other friend still wants to be friends. You can say that things just aren't working or matching well or something like that. But don't ever tell a person you don't want to be friends with them for they might carry that in their insecurity box for the rest of their lives. So just reject them subtly and nicely. The best way to go about it is by spending your time on something or with someone else. As the writer said, a friendship without a common ground is hard to keep. That friend will see that for themselves eventually. And if they don't, but rather ask you why, then go back to my initial advice. Tell them what's not matching. Basically, just try not to be mean or hostile. Nothing good will come out of that."

To conclude I'd say: don't assume, don't overthink, understand your feelings and communicate. People are very different, even within the introvert and extrovert spectrum. It's also best not to have any expectations - you won't get disappointed but you can be pleasantly surprised. You can hope for something from someone or for an outcome but don't expect and don't overthink. Not everyone thinks like you so it's best to not have any expectations. 

Recently, I could've been very disappointed by the responses I got from someone I used to be good friends with. They didn't think anything happened and quite frankly, were unbothered and couldn't care less in a sense. The person subtly said the cause was me. Now, if I had gone into that conversation expecting a type of response, I would be very disappointed right now. However, I went it expecting nothing and quite frankly, expected the worst. So now I'm alright - no feelings attached. 

Of course, you can do what you want and expect whenever you want but I'd say that if you have a relationship with no lines drawn, then don't expect anything. 

Actually, don't expect anything from anyone at all - even with lines drawn. You see either last year or 2  years ago on my birthday, nearly none of the people I considered close friends and expected to remember wished me. I'm not the type to go announcing that it's my birthday but, one would expect friends or close friends to remember at least but no. The day went by like nothing happened but whenever it was someone else's, they would all shout it out. That's when I stopped expecting. I was so disappointed then that I later brought it up like a few weeks later and that made me more upset because they actually genuinely didn't know and so were giving belated wishes. If it's people that you consider very close then depending on the kind of person you are, that can be really painful. That's not something you'd expect friends for a couple of years to do. Now, nothing of the sort hurts me because I don't expect anyone to remember and if they do, well I'm grateful to them.

When I say don't expect, I don't mean you shouldn't ever trust people. If someone new who cares about you does come to meet all of your lost previous expectations, you can still trust them (not too quickly of course). But you can still trust and care about them. By don't expect I mean, keep it in your head. Not expecting should be in your head and not influence you actions.

For example, I can have a new friend and be close to them and they can make me very happy. They can meet all my long lost expectations and be an amazing person. I'll be happy and treat them the same way. Now in a small sense, if they slip up then the impact wouldn't be as hard as it normally would because I didn't expect anything from that person. They gave me what I didn't expect, and I was grateful for it but that didn't stop me from not expecting. I didn't take it to be the norm. So now that they've slipped up, I'll be hurt in a different way. I didn't expect the good things so it can be handled better. It more or less becomes a situation of - I knew you would probably do that someday so I'm ready to handle it. I didn't expect you to do it but I know everyone is capable of slipping up so it was gonna happen eventually. Don't expect bad things either. Just keep your expectations neutral in a sense when it comes to relationships. 

So like I already said, don't expect (both good and bad) and don't assume. People can be very disappointing so save yourself from wasting your time trying to deal with you getting hurt by their actions. Another annoying thing people do is tell you they can't go out but post on social media being out with other people. I mean seriously, what's so hard in telling someone you don't want to hang out with them? Just be sincere and a matured person would be fine with it. You don't have to like everyone you interact with. If you don't want to hang out with someone and you don't want to say that then giving excuses is fine, I do that too but then going out with others and posting about it is just wrong in a way. That's just how I see it because you've told that person your excuse that you can't and they believe it, now imagine how they would feel turning on their phone and seeing you somewhere else. That's just straight up lying to someone's face. Don't tell me you can't hang out and then go out on the same day with some others. I mean yea sure do what you want but gee, have some decency and be considerate. You either straight up tell me you don't want to or follow through with your excuse and make it the truth.

It doesn't hurt me anymore because I can't expect anything from people now but it's just annoying - turning on my phone and seeing posts of someone out with friends after saying they can't/ aren't allowed to hang out. Anyway, excuse that mini rant.

In addition to not assuming, if someone is being very quiet or sad in a situation then don't assume the reason without asking. And once you're told, as a friend, you should be there for the person rather than turning on them. They have their reasons for not wanting to open up earlier.

It just shocks me (even when it happens to me) how people that can be good friends one day, become enemies in a sense the day after due to misunderstandings and quite frankly, people not fulfilling the duties of a friend. 

Note from future me: Sometimes when you go through things such as heartbreak or losing close friends, let yourself go through the pain of missing them and moments spent together. Eventually, as time passes, you'll stop thinking about them a lot. They'll occasionally pop up but you'll remember that you were thinking about something else and you'll go back to thinking about that. So don't just always try to fill the void with things you like and other things. Let yourself feel everything because sometimes it's harder and more painful to try to push the thought away than thinking about it feeling is. So I do actually let myself think about them until they leave my mind.

Anyway, I don't want to go on for too long so I'll stop here for now. Thank you for reading! 

In my life update post, I said I'll post another at the start of the following week but let's just say I'm a lazy bum. 

I'll be travelling next week so I won't post anything for the next 2 weeks. I'll try to write though and will probably journal/do a diary entry everyday (with the name Echoes of an advocate like I've already started on a previous post) but won't post until I'm back. 

Like I said at the beginning, you are of course under no obligation to follow anything I say because everyone goes through different things. All of the advice I'll be saying is based on the knowledge of my experiences, so you all should take with a pinch of salt.

Feel free to comment your thoughts down below and reach out to me on social media or my email! Have a great day!

"A real friend is one who stays in when the rest of the world walks out"

Never forget that you're loved 💖

- By Teenagehood Misfits 💙