Echoes of an Advocate #3
Dump
To be honest, I didn't plan some sort of 'rant' episode to be what I publish now but here we are. I shared part of a rant with a few people about 2 days ago and decided to extend it and share it here.
To me, a 'rant' is a means of releasing energy - usually anger, rage, or annoyance. But this one wasn't exactly that. It can still be classified as a rant but I was just putting down my thoughts because they became jumbled up in my head and I needed to see them down in order to make sense of it.
Obviously, this is under the 'Echoes of an Advocate' theme because I'm talking about things very specific to me and my life, rather than things you can learn from per se.
I actually wrote the 'rant' my notes on my phone randomly and shared it with people afterward. I titled it 'dump' because I was essentially dumping. I hadn't planned to write down my thoughts or to share it either. I just wanted somewhere to place it down before choosing to revisit it at a later time.
Here we go...
So here is what I shared with a few people:
Dump
How does one not overstep their bounds?
How do you know where the bounds are?
How do you shoot your shot without knowing where the end lines are?
How do you try to shoot without knowing where the sidelines are or even what the playing field is?
How can one make honest requests without crossing the line - if there is a line?
How can you be honest about your feelings and what you want without being pushy?
How can you express your love to someone with no ulterior motives whatsoever and have them reciprocate in a pure manner without thinking you like them?
It's almost like a war.
Within myself.
Without your involvement,
Because I don't know your stance.
Look, it's hard.
Yes, I'm probably overthinking.
And yes maybe I'll regret if I don't speak my heart but I may also regret if I do.
So, is it better to be wishful and live it all in my head or go for it?
Now don't get me wrong.
This is not a confession.
I'm not interested in anyone romantically.
Heck, I wish I were actually asexual.
I'm just a bit torn.
I want to know you better.
I want to do stuff with you.
All purely on a friendly basis.
But you might misinterpret it.
Or you may not respond the way I'd like.
Or even worse, not want to do any of the things I consider to be fun.
And in the end, I'd have to tell myself, 'hey you shot your shot though'.
And I'll say to myself, 'It wasn't a game. I wasn't trying to make the basket. I only wanted to get them on my team'.
Maybe I'm overusing the basketball analogies but is it possible to casually express your feelings and not have it misinterpreted or not reciprocated?
But hey you know what, I think I can hold it in a bit longer.
Now that I've written it down.
Just maybe I could forget too but that's probably impossible.
I lowkey wish you'd reach out first to do the things I have in mind or maybe just one thing, and I'll share the rest.
But like I said, it's all wishful thinking.
It'll never happen. I mean let's face it, it's a one-sided relationship as far as I can tell. So perhaps trying to get closer might not be what you want and I'll end up being upset maybe or hurt or maybe disappointed because I anticipated it.
But anticipating doesn't lessen the feelings that result from the outcome, so really, overthinking and planning out scenarios isn't all that helpful. It can help with dealing physically but not emotionally.
Anyway...
Screw this shit.
Some things are meant to stay in my head.
But I'd hate to repeat the same mistake
And if I do, then well I'm doomed.
More dump
"If I had to die tomorrow, I couldn't stomach being this far away from you".
The female character just said this to the male character in the show I'm currently watching. They were best friends. Shit happened and they stopped talking for a while. And now she wants to fix things.
Understandable.
But that line hit me hard.
It hit me hard because I feel it.
I thought of one person when she said that. Someone I'd like to be close with again.
I already did a 'dump' so I shouldn't repeat. But it's such a good line. And honestly, they (characters) were kinda on the same page.
My fear is - I'd be the only one thinking this and if I said it then well, it could either lead to misinterpretation or no reciprocating. And that would probably hurt more than not doing anything at all.
There are some outcomes that would make you regret more than not taking action. For me this is it.
Like for example, say a girl likes a guy. And she confesses and gets rejected. But she doesn't regret it because an outcome is better than no outcome. An answer is better than no answer. A definitive end is better. To her in that situation.
But there are other situations were such a possible outcome would be worse than living without having taken action.
Say for example applying to a university. For some, it's better not to take the chance to apply than to do so and get rejected.
Actually, I'll stop writing. This is actually something I could flesh out for my next blog post so I can't reveal it all now.
Here is the context/backstory:
First of all, I'll give context as to what triggered this and caused me to write it down, before going into what it's actually about.
So, it was a normal day - a normal one of me thinking things. And I found myself fixated in one direction of thinking for a few days and I decided to watch a nice show to take my mind off it. So I decided to catch up with the show I started earlier this year called 'Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist'.
I love musicals and I also love casual shows or dramas where it's not intense. I enjoy those depending on my mood.
Hopefully, this doesn't count as a spoiler but anyways...
It's an American show if I'm not mistaken, and it's basically about this woman who suddenly gets the ability to see people express their thoughts through singing and they sometimes dance too. So if someone felt sad, she would see them singing a song (like a musical) to express that but only she can see that and no one else can because in reality, the person is just doing normal things.
I don't think I'm making any sense, but hopefully, you get the gist of it.
Anyway so the show covers different aspects of the woman's life so, for example, love, friendships, work-life, etc.. and she basically sorts it out. To be honest, I love this show and I was ecstatic when I discovered it, but I don't think I'm doing a good job of representing that right now.
So I wanted to escape my thoughts and decided to watch the show. And on the episode I was watching when I wrote 'dump', the woman finds out that her dad will die soon. He suddenly had PSP so his life span was already reduced, and now her family found out he'll be gone soon so they began to plan funeral things before he died.
Before I go on, I'll briefly explain what PSP is for those that are interested. Skip the purple part if you aren't.
PSP stands for Progressive supranuclear palsy. From my Google research at the time I watched the episode, I gathered that it's a rare brain disorder - a neurodegenerative one. And it affects movement, control of balance, speech, thinking, swallowing, etc.. And this basically happens because the nerve cells in the brain get damaged. It's similar to Parkinson's but it's more severe than Parkinson's.
Here are some links for those interested to know more about it.
The information is repetitive, but the first link gives more in-depth information.
Now back to the point.
Since she found out her dad will die soon and everything happened suddenly, she decided to fix her broken relationships. So she goes to her best friend (since childhood) whom she fell out with because of a lot of things and she says the line,
"If I had to die tomorrow, I couldn't stomach being this far away from you."
Now as someone who often reads into things unintentionally, that caused me to think more and that's when I wrote 'More dump'.
In conclusion, everything was in my head and I decided to watch the show to forget about it. However, the show caused my thoughts to resurface, so I decided to write them down in hopes that they would leave and I could focus on the show.
Now onto what it's actually about.
Well like I already said in the dump, it's about a person. Let's name this person Ash. Like I said in the dump, Ash is someone I used to be close with before stuff happened - yup like in the show - and now we're on mutual terms I think. I say "I think" because it could be one-sided.
So for a couple of days now, I've been thinking about Ash. And whenever people say they've been 'thinking about someone', everyone assumes it has to do with a romantic relationship. But here, I'm talking on a friendly basis - like I said in the dump. And to be honest, I always think about my friends a lot and all the things I want to do with them but I don't often tell them that.
So, this case of thinking about Ash isn't anything unusual.
Now you're probably thinking, well if it isn't unusual then why did you need to write about it? Why did you feel the need to break free from it?
Here's the point.
I only write about something when I feel overwhelmed by it or when it affects my daily life in some way. I can push away some thoughts but for some reason, Ash wouldn't leave my thoughts for a few days straight. That could probably be because I was involved with Ash / was reminded of Ash's existence everyday somehow. And since I was reminded, it got me thinking.
I think I mentioned this in a previous post that I like lines. I like clear lines to be drawn in things, especially relationships.
(Actually, I think I am now laying down my thoughts rather than giving context, so I'll continue this train of thought in the next section.)
Anyway, so it's about me wanting to be closer with Ash. Now, I'll start breaking down some of the things I mentioned in the dump.
Before I get into that, I just want to tell you guys the funny thing is that this isn't my first time writing about Ash. It's the first time I have on my blog, yes, but I occasionally read my notes on my phone and I found a couple of things I wrote that were related to Ash years ago but the circumstances were different. I did find one thing that was explicitly about Ash from 2 years ago.
(I've changed my phone a couple of times and I think I chose not to back up some things so I can't find more things to share with you guys.)
Anyway, but I found one thing from about 2 years ago ish which I wrote as a draft on my phone with the intention to send it to Ash. I don't think I did. I honestly hope I didn't because reading it now, it sounded like someone confessing their love and that's embarrassing. Funny thing is, I also made sure to keep telling Ash not to misinterpret but I wrote everything so to-the-point that it'd be crazy for anyone not to misinterpret. Based on what I wrote, I think Ash was in the acquaintance/friend relationship bracket. And I was basically writing about how much I missed Ash on a daily basis and whatnot. It was so adorable but I found it cringe to read because it came from me.
Whenever I read the things I wrote in the past, I just laugh because it's funny. Like it was all innocently written but when I think about where I am with the person/people, they are either strangers or still at the same level of friendship. That to me is funny because what mattered in the past sometimes has no significance in the future.
(This is partly why I ended the dump the way I did. I'll elaborate on this further in the laying down my thoughts section.)
By the way, just so you guys won't try to guess anything, I am purposefully not identifying what gender Ash is. My intention isn't for people to try to guess Ash's identity, although I'm being open and sharing a lot with you guys. So yes, Ash could be either male or female. You might even think Ash is definitely not female because of what I say throughout this blog, but don't assume things. Although I think it's possible for someone to guess, or heck even Ash themselves (if they read this - highly doubt that though).
Anyway so back to clarifying some lines in the dump. I'll just paste the dump here and try to elaborate on each line.
Dump
How does one not overstep their bounds?
How do you know where the bounds are?
How do you shoot your shot without knowing where the end lines are?
How do you try to shoot without knowing where the sidelines are or even what the playing field is?
(Basically, this whole section is about me wanting to tell Ash some things but not knowing if I'd be crossing the line, or making them uncomfortable.)
How can one make honest requests without crossing the line - if there is a line?
How can you be honest about your feelings and what you want without being pushy?
How can you express your love to someone with no ulterior motives whatsoever and have them reciprocate in a pure manner without thinking you like them?
(Basically similar to what I said earlier. But let's talk about the honest part. Actually first the love part. I think it's funny because if I compare it to the draft I mentioned that I wrote 2 years ago about missing Ash, in the post I also mentioned that I 'still loved Ash' and continually clarified that it was on a friendly basis. And basically, here I am doing it again in the last line. I am saying that I want to tell Ash excitedly about my life and find out about their lives and be able to freely tell them that I love them without them thinking I have ulterior motives = liking them/wanting to be with them OR them not reciprocating = thinking of me on an acquaintance level and not as much as I think about them.
Now about the honest part. The requests I want to make/ the things I want to do with Ash is basically to talk to them every day and do activities with them. Activities like perhaps, play games or listen to music or whatever people do at home these days. And the part about being pushy. I want to tell Ash the things I want to do with them without them feeling burdened. I don't want them to feel like they have to oblige. I don't want to force them to do something they don't want to do. Because even when you tell someone not to do something if they don't want to, some people will anyway. I do that too. Well, I used to. I used to agree even when I didn't want to and sometimes it wasn't to please the person. If I think about it now, I just don't know why to be honest.)
It's almost like a war.
Within myself.
Without your involvement,
Because I don't know your stance.
(I think this part is self-explanatory. It can't be a war with Ash because Ash doesn't know what I'm thinking. So it has to be a war with myself since it's just me doing the work of counteracting the different scenarios I bring up in my head.)
Look, it's hard.
Yes, I'm probably overthinking.
And yes maybe I'll regret if I don't speak my heart but I may also regret if I do.
So, is it better to be wishful and live it all in my head or go for it?
(Also self-explanatory. Here I said 'overthinking' because everyone classifies everything as overthinking. Well, not everything but people tell me I'm overthinking when I think about something too much and the possible scenarios without taking action to know what the actual outcome will be.
And the third line, well, I could regret since I won't know what the outcome will be but I might regret if the outcome isn't what I'd like it to be. So if I live it in my head, then I can entertain the positive outcomes and play with that or go for it and see what the actual outcome will be and have to deal with that instead.)
Now don't get me wrong.
This is not a confession.
I'm not interested in anyone romantically.
Heck, I wish I were actually asexual.
(I'm not sure I want to go into this. Well, the first two lines are basically saying that no one should misinterpret this to be some romantic confession. And yeah I don't want to go into explaining the last two lines. It has a lot of dark and deep stuff embedded in it.)
I'm just a bit torn.
I want to know you better.
I want to do stuff with you.
All purely on a friendly basis.
(Yup like I already explained. And the stuff = activities and fun things. And not anything weird. Clean your minds people.😝)
But you might misinterpret it.
Or you may not respond the way I'd like.
Or even worse, not want to do any of the things I consider to be fun.
And in the end, I'd have to tell myself, 'hey you shot your shot though'.
And I'll say to myself, 'It wasn't a game. I wasn't trying to make the basket. I only wanted to get them on my team'.
(Oof damn. That last line though. Okay, so I was trying to keep the basketball analogy going but still try to convey my thoughts and feelings. So to explain.
People always associate shooting your shot with going after someone you like romantically. Which isn't the case here. So I tried to clarify that in the last line. Okay so when I hear that phrase, the first thing that comes to mind is "why was that person playing a game with someone they like". That doesn't make sense but originally, I used to think that the person thought of whomever they like as an object. As someone, they needed to win over. Like if you play a basketball game, the ball either goes in the basket and you get a point - one step closer to winning - or it doesn't go in and everyone's like well damn nice try. I don't think I'm explaining this properly. But just that if they, hmm I don't know, land the flirting ball correctly, then they score 1 point with the person they like which means they're one step closer to winning - getting with them. Hence I thought people were kinda treating the person they like as an object in a way or like a game they wanted to win with no consideration of the person's feelings. And I always thought that relationships shouldn't be treated like that. Someone's crush or whatever isn't an opponent in a game. It's not a win or loses situation. But, that was just me reading too much into a simple phrase.
Anyway, so I said I only want to get Ash on my team. So in a friendly way. As in, in general, people on sports teams should get along well enough to be a good team. Essentially, I wasn't trying to make the basket = I wasn't trying to get with them. I just wanted them on my team = be close friends with them and try to win WITH them. Winning basically means to survive life together. Hopefully, y'all get my drift.)
Maybe I'm overusing the basketball analogies but is it possible to casually express your feelings and not have it misinterpreted or not reciprocated?
But hey you know what, I think I can hold it in a bit longer.
Now that I've written it down.
Just maybe I could forget too but that's probably impossible.
(Self-explanatory.)
I lowkey wish you'd reach out first to do the things I have in mind or maybe just one thing, and I'll share the rest.
But like I said, it's all wishful thinking.
It'll never happen. I mean let's face it, it's a one-sided relationship as far as I can tell. So perhaps trying to get closer might not be what you want and I'll end up being upset maybe or hurt or maybe disappointed because I anticipated it.
But anticipating doesn't lessen the feelings that result from the outcome, so really, overthinking and planning out scenarios isn't all that helpful. It can help with dealing physically but not emotionally.
(Oof damn. Should I try to unpack this...and where do I begin? It's not very different from what I've said previously but here we go.
The first line - by that I don't just mean suggesting one of the activities I wanna do, but I also mean texting first at least. I think if Ash (or anyone else I'm at this level with) texts first, then I can find a way of bringing up what I want. Sometimes randomly texting first and bombarding with what I want /wish can be burdensome and uncalled for. I know because I feel that with people too. Like sometimes I don't want anyone or a certain person to text me, and when they do it annoys me. And yes I can reply later but the burden of having received and seen the message still weighs on me. But I could also tell them I'll reply later and to me, that's making a promise. Actually, a lot of people say that they will and then they don't, which annoys me. I get that maybe once or twice the person can forget but more than that, it's definitely not forgetfulness. And if I do that to someone and it's actually forgetfulness then I'd actually apologize because it's possible to forget.
I don't want to go off track here but like for example, I tell someone I want to talk to them just casually to like catch up or something and I tell them to let me know when they're free and they say okay but they never do. This has happened to another friend recently too. So we'd ask whoever a couple of times and they'd respond with okay but never will. Honestly, saying that is making a promise. Saying you'd get back to someone is like making a promise, so it's expected that one would keep their word. And if I or whoever has asked up to three times and said person still responds by saying 'okay they'll let you know' but then they don't, then that's just being an asshole. I try to refrain from using inappropriate words here but I can't think of any other word to use.
Anyway so to me saying I'll reply later is liking making a promise, even when I don't want to respond. So I wouldn't want to give that sort of burden to Ash.
The line of one-sided relationship is pretty self-explanatory. But that last line though. Basically what it means is that I can overthink and create a lot of scenarios in my head and ways to handle it so that I can be prepared. And to me, that can help with handling stuff physically so like knowing what to do.
For example, back my romantic analogy, say a guy likes a girl and plans the possible responses he could get. And he gets rejected - a scenario he has already foreseen. He could've planned to unfollow her on social media for example or avoid her in school or whatever. Basically eliminate the ways he could encounter her in daily life. But that doesn't mean he won't be affected emotionally. He might be affected emotionally the same way he would've been even if he hadn't planned out a rejection scenario.
Anyway, so what I'm saying is that it might not change that for me. Obviously, I can pretend and put up a confident front, but that doesn't mean I'd be unaffected on the inside.)
Anyway...
Screw this shit.
Some things are meant to stay in my head.
But I'd hate to repeat the same mistake
And if I do, then well I'm doomed.
(I'm basically saying that some things should just remain in my imagination and should never be acted upon.
And by repeating the same mistake..uhh..hmm.
Uhm.. okay so. By making the same mistake, what I mean is that my not expressing my thoughts and feelings to Ash could mean that I miss my chance. So for example, say Ash knows what I'm thinking but because I don't say or do anything, Ash might also want that too but won't say anything first. So if I were to randomly find out say 5 or 10 years later, then I would get annoyed at myself for not saying anything. That's what I mean by I'm doomed.
Actually now for some real talk. Sometimes we pursue or go after things that may seem important and end up with an undesirable outcome, whilst missing the side things (or the things we thought we couldn't achieve) that could've ended up somewhere great. This is applicable to life in general and the things we decide to do. But since everything happens for a reason, then well veering off tack is for a reason too I guess.)
More dump
"If I had to die tomorrow, I couldn't stomach being this far away from you".
The female character just said this to the male character in the show I'm currently watching. They were best friends. Shit happened and they stopped talking for a while. And now she wants to fix things.
Understandable.
But that line hit me hard.
It hit me hard because I feel it.
I thought of one person when she said that. Someone I'd like to be close with again.
I already did a 'dump' so I shouldn't repeat. But it's such a good line. And honestly, they (characters) were kinda on the same page.
My fear is - I'd be the only one thinking this and if I said it then well, it could either lead to misinterpretation or no reciprocating. And that would probably hurt more than not doing anything at all.
(Honestly, I'm already tired of writing haha so I'm not bothered to explain any little thing. But misinterpretation would mean I'd have to start explaining myself which is sometimes really hard to do because I can't clearly explain what I'm thinking in a way that others can understand. And then no reciprocating - well that's self-explanatory.)
There are some outcomes that would make you regret more than not taking action. For me this is it.
Like for example, say a girl likes a guy. And she confesses and gets rejected. But she doesn't regret it because an outcome is better than no outcome. An answer is better than no answer. A definitive end is better. To her in that situation.
But there are other situations were such a possible outcome would be worse than living without having taken action.
Say for example applying to a university. For some, it's better not to take the chance to apply than to do so and get rejected.
(Here, what I'm saying is that it might be nicer to entertain the thought than to possibly get a negative outcome. Obviously, the outcome of my examples will be different for everyone so some may choose to apply to a university and some may choose not to. But I couldn't think of any other examples and was just trying to make the point that sometimes not going for it might be better than receiving a negative outcome. It's all probability of course.
But yeah, sometimes the emotions and thoughts that accompany thinking about something might outweigh getting a negative reaction. In those situations, a positive one is possible so people weigh it all differently depending on the situation.)
Well, that concludes this section. I explained what I wrote and briefly talked about the show I was watching when I wrote this.
Now in the next section, I'll continue on about two of the things I mentioned earlier (I highlighted them) and I'll go on to talk about what I think now.
Let's continue laying down my thoughts:
Like I said earlier, I like clear lines to be drawn in relationships but I found that there wasn't any in this. Apart from my wanting to be closer to Ash on a close friend's level, I also thought that we were acquaintances since we became friends again. However, in my head, I felt like we communicated more than I would with acquaintances on average, so I shifted Ash over to the friends' section. And I felt like we were stuck in that section. It was either Ash drifted over to the acquaintance section, or Ash remained in the friends' section and didn't progress to the close friends' section.
Of course for some people, whatever section they are in my head is where I want them to be but sometimes I want someone to be in another category and so I start trying to push for it. It could be by trying to talk to them often or whatnot, and when I don't get the desired response a couple of times, then I stop.
Now that I think about this, it's not just Ash. It has happened with a couple of other people.
When I talk about sections, I'm not treating people like objects by the way. It just helps me to know where I stand with them. So like it helps me know what I can talk to certain people about, requests I can make or things I can do with them. Obviously, it doesn't just end with the categories. Each relationship within the categories has its own specificities.
Furthermore, like I said in the previous section, I find what I write about people in the past funny because it has no significance in the present. This is partly why I ended the first dump with this:
Anyway...
Screw this shit.
Some things are meant to stay in my head.
But I'd hate to repeat the same mistake
And if I do, then well I'm doomed.
Now that I think about it, a part of me ended it like this because whatever I think about now won't matter in the future. No matter how much I try, if something isn't meant to happen then it won't. I'll be honest here. I'm tired of spending my energy on trying to be friends with people. Some people will respond by saying, "let it flow naturally". But if you think about it, nothing flows naturally without effort. I mean if you never speak to someone, then nothing will ever flow naturally in the direction you'd like. The effort has to be put in.
That sounds like I'm contradicting myself, doesn't it? I want to be close with Ash, yet I don't want to put in the effort. Sounds pretty selfish too if you ask me.
Actually, I think I'm mixing up a lot of things here. I keep thinking about other relationships too when this is just about Ash. And the circumstances of all relationships are different so I can't mix them up.
So I'll try to be clear here.
What does present me want? And what is present me wishing/trying to say?
Okay so to not drag out my thoughts further, let me be clear to myself.
Alright self, let's take a step back. You want to be closer to Ash. Okay cool. And so do you intend to do anything about that, and if so, what?
Well, no actually. If an opportunity arises, then I'll just say it to Ash and if it doesn't, then I'll just abandon the thoughts here like I just did, I dumped them, and continue living my life. I have other important things to do anyway.
Well, isn't that perfect? You finally made up your mind and can stop this rant/whatever you want to call it. Hopefully, your mind is clear now.
Yes, it is. Thank you for your help.
This is a short representation of how I talk to myself. If I get overwhelmed or stressed out, then I just ask myself questions to simplify the problem and that makes the issue easier to tackle.
Anyway, so I achieved my goal and got a clearer view of my thoughts! I hope I've cleared out everything I needed to clear out!
This is probably one of the longest posts I've written. I literally just sat down (July 31st) and wrote for over 4 hours (I wrote some things the day before too). I didn't get to do the other things I planned to do on my to-do list and I'm hungry so welp. And I wrote some things the day before. My plan is to publish at the end of each month but I'm too tired to read through what I wrote and edit, so I'll end up publishing it on August 1st. That is honestly earlier that my usual lateness if that makes any sense🤣.
If you read this far then good job! I think you're ready to try reading some long novels :) And of course, don't hesitate to comment your thoughts down below or reach via social media to share your thoughts.
Hey, it's the editor here (basically August 1st me):
So I've read through all that and a part of me is saying, "bro stop fooling yourself. You really just wanna be friends with Ash? I mean dude lets face it, you're still thinking about them. It's been years and you're still thinking about them. Stop this nonsense and face the facts."
And of course, the opposite part of me is saying, "shut up bro. Let thoughts be thoughts. Facing the facts won't change the present or the future. So just let things be. If I think about Ash, so what? It'll only remain has thoughts ma dude."
Stay safe! Wear a mask, sanitize, and social distance! Let's get through this together!
"Don't stress the could haves, if it should have, it would have."
Never forget that you're loved💖
- By Teenagehood Misfits💙
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