Echoes of an Advocate #4

'Your leftover'

I have been uncomfortable with the notion of your ex being your leftover, and people saying if someone gets with your ex, then they're having your leftover.

The reason why that notion made me uncomfortable is that what's toxic for one person may not be toxic for another, regardless of whether people change or not. In addition, calling a human being a leftover is degrading because it suggests that humans can be consumed, that they are consumables, and I don't necessarily mean in the literal sense.

Allow me to explain those two points. 

Before I go on, I should probably reintroduce myself and explain why I haven't posted anything new for a while. 

First off, happy new year! Yeah I know, we're already 3 months in but it's my first post of 2021 so it'd be rude of me to not wish you. I hope the new year has been good to you so far.

Second, last year I had a goal to post a blog at the end of each month and although I didn't exactly accomplish that, it was hard to keep up with. So I decided that this year I'll post whenever I have something to talk about. One of my goals this year was to try to push my GPA up so I wanted to focus on studying and do other hobbies whenever I can / feel like without feeling guilty. Having said that, I planned to post something since January but it's a topic that would require me to do some research and to ask a lot of other people what their opinion is on the topic. I haven't had a chance to do any of that so I decided I'll hold that off until I get down to doing it. For now, I'll post whatever comes to mind even if it's short. So, don't expect frequent posts but you can check back here for something each month if you'd like.

Finally, a short reintroduction.

Hi, I'm Chinaza and I'm in my second year of Uni. I'm currently doing a Bachelors's in psychology. My degree is only 3 years though, so I'll get graduating next year - wow. Whenever that hits me, I get a little scared but not terrified. And I'm gonna be 19 sometime this year. I realize the blog name says "teenagehood" and I considered whether to change it after I'm no longer officially a teenager, but I decided not to.

Anyway, that's it with the short introduction. Now, back to me trying to articulate my thoughts.

Before that segway, I mentioned that I would explain/try to explain two points I made. By the way, this is a very spontaneous post - I am just writing it now and publishing it straight away. For once, I'm not keeping something on the back burner for too long.

The two points I said were:

1. The reason why the notion of 'your ex being your leftover' made me uncomfortable is that what's toxic for one person may not be toxic for another, regardless of whether people change or not.
2. And also, calling a human being a leftover is degrading because it suggests that humans can be consumed, that they are consumables, and I don't necessarily mean in the literal sense.

So, the first point. I should probably give context as to how this thought popped into my head in the first place.

Well, I was in the shower and I was thinking about a talk I had with a friend yesterday. They mentioned something and I was reminded of its existence. Basically, an ex-bestfriend is my friends bestfriend. Hopefully, that makes sense.

And I was thinking like hmm interesting because earlier yesterday, I had written down my thoughts concerning something else but in relation to that ex-best friend. And I had somehow arrived at the conclusion that they were somewhat toxic for me from some point in time. 

Then I started thinking about Instagram posts I'd see and how people would sometimes shame the new partner of their ex- and to make themselves feel better, they'll call their ex their leftover and say their partner is having their leftovers.

I was thinking that I could call my ex-best friend my leftover but that literally makes no sense. And then I suddenly got annoyed at the Instagram posts and was like okay, I need to write my thoughts down.

Of course, my context is not related to a romantic relationship but a relationship is a relationship regardless of the classification, and how people are treated in the different kinds should not be any different.

So, I thought about how the person was somewhat toxic to me. However, my friend would talk about them in a positive light, and I was like okay, my ex-best friend is good for them. That's great!

And then I reminded myself that of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I should try to become friends with the person again. Some people will be there for a reason or multiple seasons or half a season and will be gone. Whilst others will be in your life forever. Either way, it's all good.

So, back to the first point.

I'll clarify that last line of "regardless of whether the people change or not". I said that because sometimes, an ex becomes a "better" person and that's why they're able to have a good relationship with someone new. However, they could also not change at all and still be able to fit with someone else. 

Now, I said better in quotation marks because everyone has different opinions on what better is and I'm not here to determine what is a good personality and what isn't. 

There are, of course, general worldviews on what makes a person good and that's that.

But anyway, so sometimes people will call an ex a leftover if they were horrible people to them. And that's where the thought, of what's toxic to one person may not be to another, came from.

For example, you could be in a relationship with someone (any kind of relationship) who is somewhat controlling or always wants to be involved in the decisions you make. You could either be someone who loves to make their own decisions independently and be completely autonomous, or you could be someone that loves the help and guidance because it removes some of the burdens from you.

Of course, in both scenarios compared, your partner (lover or whatnot) could either be highly toxic to you or could be the best for you.

Sure, your partner could change and be better for the next person but they could also just be the same way and still be better for another person.

I understand that people get angry after they break up from different kinds of relationships, and will resort to spewing insults and sometimes hatred at the person.

I won't dictate how you should act but, is that necessary. 

Sticking to the point of calling someone your leftover, is that necessary? 

Yes, you are angry at how they treated you and you are allowed to feel that way for a short while. But degrading them is uncalled for.

Now, unto the second point.

When I hear the word leftover, I think of food. You eat what you can eat and the rest of it becomes leftovers. Sometimes it's either the parts that you don't like or those are parts you like but can't eat anymore of.

I had to add the line of "not in a literal sense" because I know some people be thinking I'm on about cannibalism. I do not wish to go into the topic of cannibalism in any way, so calm down.

So if not in the literal sense, in what sense then?

Well, you can eat people figuratively. You can use them and bleed them dry. 

So when someone calls another person a leftover, I first think that they were only in a relationship to use them or gain from them. And now that they're no longer hungry, or no longer like them, they just throw them away.

People shouldn't be treated like that at all. That's why I said it's degrading, to the person being called that for one. But it connotes an animalistic nature. Some animals can consume another animal of their species and leave the bones and go away.

I said I wouldn't go there, but imma go wherever the creativity takes me.

Anyway, so animals can do that. So when a person calls another human their leftover, it makes me think that they have got rid of every ounce of human nature in them.

I think I've tried to clarify my point enough. Also the idea of calling your ex a "used toy" that you're given to the less fortunate, ugh. I won't get into that but seriously no. Stop this thinking, please.

In general, I don't think it's necessary to call another person your leftover. It's not like you "finish" the person because sure, people can be tired or lose parts of themselves, but that can always be restored. So for someone else, they could be "whole".

If you have contrasting opinions then let me know but I've said my piece.

And on that note, have a great day y'all!

I'm glad I was able to write something here after so long :)

Stay safe! Wear a mask, sanitize, and social distance! Let's get through this together!

"The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good."

Never forget that you're loved💖 

- By Teenagehood Misfits💙